I Love You

那人不是你所想般愛你，但不代表那人不是全心全意地愛你。

Just because someone doesn't express their love for you the way you expect them to, doesn't mean that they don't love you.

I believe this applies not only to our partner but to our friends and family as well. For some, a hug or a kiss says it all. Others might prefer a more verbal approach. And for some others, neither is necessary.

Personally I like a little bit of display of affection and occasionally some verbal confirmation. Sadly, I am surrounded by people who are not so inclined to either. It's probably because of the environment we grew up in where hugging and saying "I love you" is not the norm.

I know I know. I can be the one to initiate it. Let's just say that I find it a bit difficult being the only one expressing my feelings without any desired response. And worse, making the other party feel uneasy and awkward.

Everyday I tell Caitlin I love her, give her many hugs and kisses. I hope she grows up being able to express her feelings to her loved ones without any embarrassment or inhibition.

Freedom 自由

所谓的自由就是：

你想要拒绝一个人的约会，
已经不需要任何理由，
你有权力过自己要过的生活，
有权力去自己要去的地方

Freedom is:

If you want to decline an invitation,
You don't need a reason to say no,
You have the choice to live the life you choose,
The freedom to go wherever you want to.

Do I still have my freedom? Hmmm...

享受生活

如果你一个人的时候不会自得其乐，
即使嫁了人，娶了老婆，
别人跟你一起一样不快乐。

如果现在不懂得享受生活，
未来也不会享受生活。

我们常常会觉得婚结了，
所有问题就没了，
那如果结了婚还有问题，
就赶快把小孩生一生，
其实你的问题在这个阶段没解决，
在下个阶段只会变大。

2 Movies & a Book Review

I watched Slumdog Millionaire and Revolutionary Road recently. Both movies were sad in their own ways but they were pretty good movies. For me, any movie that makes me think after it has ended is considered good.

The most memorable and disturbing scene in Slumdog Millionaire was the part where the boy who could sing was blinded so that he could beg for more money. How horrible! It really scares me that there is such inhumanity in this world and that there are many more similar or worse atrocities that occur. I wish I could keep Caitlin at home with me so that I can protect her from all the evil, pain and ugliness in this world.

As for Revolutionary Road, it touched on many issues that made me think. How 2 people can fall in love, build a family together and then realise they have compromised too much of themselves and is actually unhappy with their life. How unhappiness can drive a person to desperate measures. How convention can be so stifling yet feels so safe. How anything that is not considered the norm is perceived as a threat and strange to some people.

I also read The Kite Runner (by Khaled Hosseini) recently. The book was written beautifully but it was quite sad. To read about war and how it ravaged a country, children losing their childhood because of war, migrants losing their identity when they leave their homeland. To read about how bullies get away with their cruel acts, how the weak suffer in their hands, children being sexually abused. It was a real eye-opener.

Well, if you have a chance, do check the above titles out.

Quotable Quotes 1

Why are we trying to be strong?
At the end of the day, what does strong get you?

- from "Army Wives"

Motherhood

Motherhood is a series of Trials & Errors. For me it is anyway. If one way doesn't work, I try another until I find a way that works for my baby. The frustrating thing is that something that works today, may not work again tomorrow! So each day is a new adventure really.

Motherhood also requires a lot of Patience. Patience is something I definitely have to work on because I tend to get really agitated and angry with baby when she cries hysterically and I don't know why. Poor girl. It's even harder to be patient at 5 am and she doesn't want to go back to sleep and I'm too tired to walk her around the room!

Common Sense is something else I feel is essential to bring up a baby. When all else fails, at least I can fall back on that. :)

Since becoming a mummy, I've found myself in a lot of funny (only in hindsight) situations! A lot of it is because of breastfeeding. You wouldn't believe the places I've had to go to breastfeed! If breast milk is really best for baby, I wish there were better facilities for breastfeeding mums. As it is, I find myself only going to places where there are baby care areas otherwise I wouldn't be able to go out at all!

Caitlin is 3.5 months now! Everyday she is growing and changing, it's quite wonderful to see. I find pleasure in the small things. When she bestows me with her sweet smile, coo at me when I talk to her or the way she grips my shirt whenever I'm feeding her.

Lots more to look forward to and to learn in the future. Motherhood is a never ending learning process and I'm happy to go with the flow.

NEWSFLASH: Caitlin rolled onto her tummy today!! :) *excited & proud mummy*

Black & White

Divorce used to be such a taboo subject. Something we talked about in closed circles, usually with a hint of disdain or worse, sympathy. I grew up in this type of environment because no one I knew had gotten a divorce and all our family friends have been married for as long as I can remember!

I always thought divorce was such a sad thing. I mean, how do 2 people who love each other, make a vow to love each other through all manners of adversity and strife... just stop loving each other? Do people fall OUT of love? Why do they just give up instead of trying to make things work?

How naive and condescending I was.

There are so many reasons why things don't work out. The most obvious reason to me is when one party is infidel (and even then it might not be a deal breaker) but that is by no means the only reason. Life is just not that black and white.

Feelings change, people change. It's inevitable. Whether the changes can be accepted by either party is the important thing. When 2 people get married they are usually starting on the same page and moving towards the same direction. But for that to go on indefinitely is just not possible because eventually one person will be changing directions and the other will have to make compromises to accommodate. When no one wants to give way, that's when problems start to occur.

Forever Love is a beautiful concept but it really doesn't make a marriage work.


Anyway, short of sounding like a marriage counselor, I have one advice for those who are thinking of entering into holy matrimony. Talk to each other before you make that big step into the unknown. Make sure you really are on the same page, moving towards the same direction, committed to making things work come hell or high water before saying your "I DO's". Otherwise, you will find yourself in a very unhappy situation.

As for me, lets just say I no longer see in black and white only.

夢一場 by 那英

作詞：袁惟仁 作曲：袁惟仁、許華強

我們都曾經寂寞而給對方承諾
我們都因為折磨而厭倦了生活
只是這樣的日子同樣的方式，
還要多久

我們改變了態度而接納了對方
我們委屈了自己成全誰的夢想
只是這樣的日子，
還剩下多少，已不重要

Chorus:

時常想起過去的溫存，
它讓我在夜裡不會冷
你說一個人的美麗是認真，
兩個人能在一起是緣分

早知道是這樣，像夢一場
我才不會把愛 都放在同一個地方
我能原諒你的荒唐，
荒唐的是我有沒辦法遺忘

早知道是這樣， 如夢一場
我又何必把淚 都鎖在自己的眼眶
讓你去瘋，讓你去狂
讓你在沒有我的地方堅強

Repeat Chorus

讓我在沒有你的地方療傷

Listen to song here

My Life as a Mum

It's amazing how time flies. Caitlin is already 2.5 months old! Since I'm not working anymore, taking care of her has been my 'job' since Cindy left. And if anyone thinks that it's easy, try doing it yourself before telling me how lucky I am to be a stay home mum!

To be honest, it's nice not to have to stress about work especially after having to get up every 2 hours in the night to feed baby. But sometimes it feels like my world has shrunk and I am cut off from the outside world. Most of my conversations with friends and family now revolve around Caitlin!

Don't get me wrong. I DO feel lucky that I get to see my baby everyday. See her smile and coo at me when she's happy. See her anticipation when bath time rolls around. Even to see her pout and start crying! She is just so cute!

Sometimes it feels like my life is an endless cycle of feeding, bottle sterilising, washing and constantly trying to calm a crying baby. I realise how fast I have to eat and shower nowadays. Even an hour of yoga is fraught with worry about baby suddenly waking up from her nap!

Thank goodness for mum and dad. They have, as usual, been fabulous. They dote on Caitlin and help me watch her so that I can have some time of my own. It's a great feeling to see how happy Caitlin makes them too.

Not sure when I will return to the rat race but I'm in no hurry. After all, these moments with my baby are precious and cannot be replaced, so I will treasure every minute of it.